The insidious loop

Here’s a thing I wrote about feeling needy/clingy/empty, and the steps that make it terrible for someone who has obsessive tendencies.

Caution: depressing stuff for some, but I’m trying to describe a loop that catches hold of me. Perhaps if other people experience this loop, or help add commentary about those experiences, then we can name it, and figure out ways to deal with it.

________________________________________________________________

The loop

What do I want to be?

Not empty.

This means I want to be anything that feels a way. The less effort required, the better. Self-pleasure is quick to hand. Drugs are a cheap way there.

(this is a place to break free of the loop. However, the solution, practicing discipline, will take time, and may not be compatible with having to work for a living.)

I come back around to feel like nothing matters, when I put my suffering situation in these simple terms. I’m just prone to something that only drugs, self-pleasure, or discipline will solve? How weak!

Nothing matters, because clearly, I am suffering right now, and no one is listening, and I am too weak to ask. No one is listening to me because I have learned to not show this suffering.

(This is where I can break free, if I choose. By showing it. But showing it hurts has a chance at putting me back up at the empty top of the loop. Risky. Also difficult to do without a partner.)

I take a sick sort of pride in not knowing showing it. In not being vulnerable.

Look how tough (weak!) I am. I get an ego boost for how much pain I can suffer. It’s not even her fault – not anyone’s fault. This is all toxicity inside me, the same gunk that has been rattling around. It disturbs me and keeps me empty. How strong I must be to be empty so much!

It’s what drives me to read nonsense incessantly, tapping into the world of today to see if I can discover some inherent truth in the human condition. So I can live that truth. So I can take my strength and use it for something, anything.

But I instead fill up with nonsense. With random emotions, with the most viral things. No one out there has my answer.

It might be possible that some universal answer exists.

But I could never be in a group of people who discover that kind of answer. I know inside that I am alone and not just alone, solo; so empty when prompted by groups. My obsessive thinking latches on – what is wrong with me that I am so alone?

Who will be with me and put up with me to solve this?

My own family is scattered, none of them talk to one another, though I do have uncles and aunts I’ve never spoken to, because I was afraid of family. This is where the loop can deepen into questions of flawed genetics – should my strain of person die out? I mostly avoid this deepening, unless I’m having a particularly rough time.

<redacted thing about misunderstanding the person I am currently obsessed with>

What it comes down to, often, is that I found the internet too fascinating.

It may have broken me. Time to go offline.

That part of the loop is where I blame something outside myself for being too enticing. I place the control outside myself, distance myself from responsibility for my actions.

Anyway, the last part of the loop is ruminating on how unfair all of this is. It can take days. Weeks. Maybe even a month or two.

Which makes me more insecure, more empty, more unworthy.

More… less.

And then we go back to the start. Will we break free this time?

That depends. With all that emotionality – how is our analysis?

Is it strong enough to know what step it is in?

-D

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s